songstressneko

It's sometimes hard to go through life when your biggest trigger is yourself.
I really don't value my myself as anything. I love my friends and others more than I love my self.

Everyday is like a never ending battle with myself. I have to question everything I do.
I feel like there's a pair of never ending eyes on me at all times. So I have to make sure not to fuck up like I usually do sometimes.
Every day I wake up with the same numb emotional state and just feel like time has stopped moving.
Then my anxiety kicks in.

Questions then just start to plague me:
"Maybe I'm too annoying?"
"Omf neko you talk to much"
"No one cares for your input"
"Stop feeling this way this is dumb"

More questions that just eat into me:
"Are people going to hate me?"
"Am I just looking for attention?"
"I'm afraid that people won't take me seriously...or even think that I care when I do.."
"I don't want people to think i'm trying to steal the spotlight away from others" 
"I have a problem but it seems so small and annoying."
"Did I upset someone?"
"Who's going to be upset at me?"
"Maybe I should just keep this to myself..."

and it goes on....and on...AND ON.

Someone asks a simple question
Me: //answers
My Mind:"Ok maybe you need to stop neko no one cares. "

It's so fucking infuriating.
I feel like just the biggest, neediest, annoying, know-it-all bitch and I can't help it...
I can't help but to feel guilty over everything I do.
I feel guilty that I worry my feelings all the time. I hate that I have to worry people all the time with my bullshit.
I hate feeling this gnawing, numb lonely feeling all the time.
I hate worrying about everything at every second of the day. I do this shit too much and it's like my friends don't deserve all of my negativity when they themselves have bigger problems or that I just don't want to be the one to ruin their day. It's like why the fuck do I even feel this way?

Then it's like 'oh I'm willing to just sacrifice everything for my friends and family' but when it comes to me it's just me fighting with myself and just making sure that people wouldn't have to deal with my repeating bullshit all the time? 
I'm nothing but a big fucking hypocrite. 

On one hand it's like I'm just tired of all my emotions and just pretending everything is fine
but on the other it's like, People have real problems and you're just making everything about yourself.

When I don't want to?
I just want to help everyone I can
I also just want to stop feeling like shit and just be happy for at least one day.

It's come to the point where now every new note, dm, message etc I'm afraid that it's going to be someone who's going to yell at me. Or just tell me to cut this shit out.
"Hey maybe you need to stop complaining all the time? It's get like super annoying since it's the same thing all the time." or just "Can you stop doing that? It looks like you're looking for attention" "Maybe you're overreacting?"

Am I? I don't know what to think anymore but I'm afraid of people thinking that's all I'm doing now. Or thinking i'm just such a toxic person with all this negativity who needs to shut up. Or just fucking needy.

It's come to the point where now it's hard for me not to cry/breakdown in public. 
It's getting harder to hide my emotional distress from my family who I know won't understand my feelings.
It's also come to the point that if anyone if rude to me or done me wrong and I get upset rightfully, I question. "Well.....maybe I was in the wrong this whole time..."

I always second guess myself.

I hate that I hate myself. Yesterday I had a super bad anxiety attack and what pisses me off was the thing that triggered it.
I was trying to think on things I could do for self love. Something I can do to draw this image of self hatred I have for myself out of the mud. but then just the pressure and just voices of "I don't deserve anything" just happened until I couldn't stop crying and breathing became harder.

I just want a fucking break from everything. I'm tired of just wanting to just disappear. I'm tired of just all this toxic negativity and just all these harmless emotions getting in the way of me and my friends. I'm tired of just pushing people away. I'm tired of getting mad at nothing. I'm tired of just repeating myself. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of not helping my friends enough or just being even more there for them. I'm tired of feeling invisible and easily just replaceable. I'm tired of being a nuisance, a failure and a shit friend

My mind is so scatterbrained, my typos are worse, I get confused more easily and my sense of time has been fucked so bad.


I'm sorry to my friends who have to deal with me. I'm sorry I couldn't be better.
I feel like I'm intruding on everything. Even if I was invited to it I feel like SUCH a fucking annoyance. I wish I wasn't a tightass.

And I know I have friends who wouldn't mind to do anything with me, draw together, watch something on rabb.it, Go on voice calls etc. )Well....online anyways since I don't really have no place to go irl.) To do something to get this fucking loneliness gnawing pain away, if not for a second.
But I always feel so guilty wanting to ask because maybe they're busy, or just having better things to go or just maybe on an off time, feel obligated they have too. Or that i'm too boring or uninteresting. 
Even now I feel stupid and guilty for writing this fucking thing. I have no right to do this. Plus I feel like this is just a huge overreacting journal filled with nonsense. 

The bad thing is that, I don't think I got all my grievances out on this journal. It's just a repeat.

Boy I need to step my shit up and just get over this.

If I made anyone feel bad, I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for being toxic, needy, attention seeing, playing the victim card, over dramatic, unstable, ungrateful etc.
I'm sorry for always repeating myself.
I'm sorry not being a good friend.
I'm sorry if this comes off negatively like i'm looking for attention or just guilt tripping anyone?
It wasn't or never was my intention...

I'm sorry for everything.
I never wanted to be such a burden..
I'm sorry for venting in a journal, venting to people and just not shutting up. Or just like not telling people because it's like this is honestly too much man. I don't want to fuck up your day like this.

I'm sorry for this journal right now. 
Also sorry for the length of it.

I'm also sorry if this journal doesn't even make sense.


I'm trying to improve my self image so that the fighting with myself would just stop.

All of my problems really stem from my perception of me. 
From years of being a shit person and being taken advantage off.

I love you all and I love the bonds I made over time. I really mean it. I just want to stop fucking up everything I love...

I just want a fucking peace of mind.